Here are some one-liners you can use on your email signature.

Life's not like a box of chocolates, it's more like a jar of jalapeños.

Can you imagine a world without hypothetical questions?

You know, they call them 'fingers' but I've never seen 'em 'fing'... wait... there they go.

Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.

Dyslexics UNTIE!

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

We pretend to work because they pretend to pay us.

I wasn't sleeping. I was testing the keyboard for drool resistance.

Follow your dream; unless it's the one where your naked at work during a fire drill.

9 out of 10 doctors will agree that 1 out of 10 doctors is an idiot.

Work fascinates me. I could sit and watch it for hours.

I work 45 hours a week to be this poor.

Stress is when you wake up screaming, and realize you hadn't gone to sleep yet.

Drink coffee! Do stupid things faster with more energy!

A procrastinator's work is never done.

When you work here, you can name your own salary. I named mine "George".

Three things happen when you get old. First your memory goes, then... um... um...

I am not young enough to know everything.

You're never too old to learn something stupid.

Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

Age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill.

Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it.

Wisdom comes with age. Death comes with age. Therefore, wisdom is dangerous.

Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

I have an irrational fear of hornets. They can fly and I can't, and that's just not fair...

Outside of a dog, man's best friend is a book. Inside of a dog, it is very dark.

A bird in the hand makes blowing your nose difficult.

Never insult an alligator until after you have crossed the river.

To err is human; to moo, bovine.

I've got a plan so cunning, you could put a tail on it and call it a weasel.

I spilled Spot Remover on my dog. He's gone now.

Deja moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.

Don't sweat petty things... or pet sweaty things.

Never wrestle with a pig. You’ll both get dirty, and the pig likes it.

I can teach my cat any trick he wants to do!

My goal in life is to be the kind of person my dog thinks I am.

Eat a live toad in the morning, and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.

I think animal testing is a bad idea; they get all nervous, and give the wrong answers.

I am at two with nature.

It is hard to soar like an eagle when you are surrounded by turkeys.

It's a good thing we have gravity, or else when birds die they would just stay right up there. Hunters would get all confused.

The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?

It's a bird, it's a plane, it's a.. no, no, it's a bird.

The more people I meet the more I like my cat.

Anything not nailed down is a cat toy.

I'm not a vegetarian because I love animals; I'm a vegetarian because I hate plants.

You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, "You're right! I never would've thought of that!"

Hate the hairball, not the kitty.

SHAVE THE SHEEP! Er- I mean save...

Never moon a werewolf.

Be nice to dragons, for you are crunchy, and go well with ketchup.

A truly wise man never plays leapfrog with a unicorn.

I went to a bookstore and asked the salesperson where the Self Help section was. She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

The things I fear may all be imaginary; so what I fear most is my imagination.

There are some strings. They're just not attached.

Everything on TV is physically impossible.

Reality shows tell me what my life would be like if it were run by writers not smart enough to make movies.

Sure, go ahead, try to hit me. But I must warn you, I am a master of the martial ar…OUCH! Dude, that hurt!

Fiction is our own reality.

Advice: what we ask for when we already know the answer, but wish we didn't.

Alarm clock: a small, mechanical device to wake up people without children.

Baby-sitter: a teenager acting like an adult, while the adults are out acting like teenagers.

Be alert. The world needs more lerts. (Douglas Adams)

Benign: What you be after you be eight.

Boycott shampoo. Demand real poo!

Calcium Anthropology: the study of milkmen.

Capitalism: the astounding belief that the most wicked of men will do the most wicked of things for the greatest good of everyone.

Cell-phone: a way to speak to yourself without anyone noticing.

Coincidence: when God chooses to remain anonymous.

Compromise: the art of dividing a cake so that everyone thinks they got the biggest piece.

Computers: working daily to make the human brain obsolete.

Confidence: the feeling you have before you understand the situation.

Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.

Deja Fu: the feeling that somehow, somewhere, you've been kicked in the head like this before.

A friend is someone who will help you move. A GOOD friend is someone who will help you move a body.

Friend: Someone who has the same enemies you have.

Happiness: the agreeable sensation felt while contemplating the misery of others.

Hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia: Fear of long words.

Hospitality: making your guests feel like they're at home, even if you wish they were.

Illiterate: what you are if you can't read this.

Lite: the new way to spell "Light," now with 20% fewer letters!

Materialism: buying things we don't need with money we don't have to impress people that don't matter.

McBorgs: Over one million assimilated.

Newbie: gathers honey 80% faster.

Oxymoron: Microsoft Works.

Palidan: Your pal Dan... until he kills you for thinking you're a heretic.

PMS: Purchase More Shoes.

Slinky: yet another failed attempt at perpetual motion.

Snowbank: where you keep your extra snow.

Stupidity: doing the same things over and over and expecting different results.

Tech Support: your ISPs way of expressing their hatred towards you.

Trapezoid: a device for trapping zoids.

Vegetarian: Native American definition for "lousy hunter".

You can't scare me, I have children.

It is not what a teenager knows that bothers his parents. It's how he found out.

Be nice to your kids, they're the ones that choose your nursing home.

There are three ways to get things done: do it yourself, hire someone to do it, or tell your kids not to do it.

Kids in the backseat cause accidents. Accidents in the backseat cause kids.

An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.

My parents put us to sleep by tossing us in the air. Of course, you have to have low ceilings for this method to work.

The best way to keep children at home is to make the home atmosphere pleasant, and let the air out of their tires.

I lost my mind! I think my kids took it.

Mirror, mirror, on the wall, I am my mother after all!

The difference between in-laws and outlaws? Outlaws are wanted.

If ignorance is bliss, why aren't more people happy?

The two most common things in the Universe are hydrogen, and stupidity.

Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.

I'm not dumb. I just have a command of thoroughly useless information.

Ignorance will take you to a lot more interesting places than knowledge.

The only fool bigger than the person who knows it all is the person who argues with them.

Half of being smart is knowing what you're dumb at.

Never assume malice for what stupidity can explain.

I prefer the wicked rather than the foolish. The wicked sometimes rest.

Oh yeah? You wanna step out of the giant robot and say that again?

7/5th of all people don't understand fractions.

Many people, when they run into a telephone pole, blame the pole.

Common sense isn't.

Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.

Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

I’m not only weird. I’m gifted too.

Some drink at the fountain of knowledge... Others just gargle.

I refuse to have a battle of wits with an unarmed opponent.

I can't dial 911.. There's no 11 on my phone.

By doing just a little each day, I can gradually let the task overwhelm me.

Being intelligent is not a felony. But most societies mark it as at least a misdemeanor.

For every complex problem, there is a solution that is simple, neat and wrong.

April 1st. The day we are reminded of what we are on the other three hundred and sixty-four.

Genius may have its limitations, but stupidity is not thus handicapped.

Real knowledge is to know the extent of one's own ignorance.

I got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.

He who laughs last thinks slowest.

You should always write your name on your underwear. See, I'm Machine Wash Cold.

Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.

But I thought it was inflammable!

Nothing is fool-proof to a talented fool.

I have a mind like a steel trap - rusty and illegal in most places.

Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.

You can lead a fool to wisdom but you can't make him think.

I've discovered that I often visit the state of confusion, and I know my way around pretty well.

I never really learned the difference between what is right or wrong. That's why I automatically assume that whatever I say MUST be right.

There are no stupid questions, but there are a lot of inquisitive idiots.

I sometimes go to my own little world, but that's okay, they know me there.

I'm definitely, positively, maybe indecisive.

I have this nagging suspicion that everyone is out to make me paranoid.

I have the power to channel my imagination into ever-soaring levels of suspicion and paranoia.

In some cultures, what I do would be considered normal.

Only the paranoid survive.

I do whatever the voices tell me to. It depends on who yells the loudest.

I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.

You're just jealous because the voices are talking to me.

Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most.

Just because I'm paranoid, doesn't mean they're not after me.

Some people hear voices.. Some see invisible people.. Others have no imagination whatsoever.

Some mornings, it's just not worth chewing through the leather straps.

I'm not myself today. Maybe I'm you.

I'm trying to find myself. If I should return before I get back, please ask me to wait.

Power corrupts, but absolute power is kinda neat.

Don't bother me, I'm living happily ever after.

Therapy is expensive. Popping bubble plastic is cheap. You'll see.

I'm not tense. I'm just terribly, terribly alert.

Of course I'm out of my mind! It's dark and scary there!

Don't interrupt me when I'm talking to myself.

9 out of 10 voices in my head agree that I'm sane.

I used to be a kleptomaniac, but I took something for it.

Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change ready.

One by one, the penguins steal my sanity.

People say that I don't have any points. but knives have points and I have a lot of knives so therefore I have a lot of points!

Normal people worry me.

Only the insane have strength enough to prosper; only those that prosper may judge what is truly sane.

I'm not crazy, I've just been in a very bad mood for 30 years.

I can't remember if I'm the good twin or the evil one.

Everybody is somebody else's weirdo.

I think all humans suffer from an Identity crisis at some point in their life... Makes me glad I'm a rabbit.

When I say I'm telekinetic somehow everything moves away.

Sanity is nice to visit but I wouldn't want to live there.

I'm not crazy; I'm just sanity challenged.

We are what we eat! - mmm, nuts!

I'm not paranoid! Which one of my enemies told you that?

Everybody is just figments of my imagination.

Sanity is a state of mind... but the taxes were so high I had to move away.

It's not that I'm antisocial, I just think everyone should be banished to Uzbekistan.

Some people are on the edge. Some people are over it. I'm hang-gliding.

If someone asks you how you feel don't answer, they're just trying to get you to reveal your weaknesses.

When the people come, don't call where they're taking you the land of the magic white jackets. It makes them drive faster.

You need to learn not to interrupt me when I'm talking to myself.

Some people say I'm indifferent, but I don't care.

The voices may not be real, but they have some pretty good ideas.

Coincidence is just an euphemism for conspiracy.

*I am in no way the author of most of these one-liners, nor do I wish to take credit for that.