No Bull Humor

One day the army guys told us excitedly, the banana guy is here. (It took very little to make for an exciting day in Rio Hata.) The banana guy, it seemed, did not have a very swift understanding of arithmetic and sold his bananas three for a nickel, four for a dime, this being in pre-inflationary days when a stamp sold for three cents.

We all took our turns buying bananas, asking for two nickel's worth. The banana guy would mutter "Don't want dime's worth?" and we would patiently say "No, no, two nickel's worth", thus acquiring six bananas instead of four. It was great fun to watch his puzzled expression which clearly indicated to us that he knew that something was wrong but that he didn't know quite what. We all did it.

After I got out I was fond of telling the story of the banana guy and his "three for a nickel, four for a dime". I told the story many times over the years. Some ten years later the light dawned as I was in the midst of telling the story once again.

The proper price for bananas, I suppose, at that time and place was a penny a bunch - a big bunch. Whether the banana guy was a con man at heart or a marketing genius I'll never know but he had a racket. The marks were so busy enjoying themselves cheating the dumb Panamanian that they never tumbled to the fact that they were being taken.

Greener Grass...

Its important in life to reach out, to strive for greater achievements, to go for that greener grass that is on the other side of the fence.

But when you find yourself over-extended and you're stuck in a situation that you can't get out of, there is one thing you should always remember.......

10 Attributes of Really Lazy People

Math from 1950 to <%Response.Write(year(date))%>

Last week I purchased a burger at Burger King for $1.58. The counter girl took my $2 and I was digging for my change when I pulled 8 cents from my pocket and gave it to her. She stood there, holding the nickel and 3 pennies, while looking at the screen on her register. I sensed her discomfort and tried to tell her to just give me two quarters, but she hailed the manager for help. While he tried to explain the transaction to her, she stood there and cried. Why do I tell you this?

Costume

Q: What was the bull doing in the pasture with his eyes closed?

THE NEW BULL

Three bulls overheard the farmer say that he was going to bring yet another bull onto the ranch. This prospect brought about the following discussion.

First Bull: "Boys, we all know I've been here 5 years. Once we settled our differences, we agreed that 100 cows would be mine. Now, I don't know where this newcomer is going to get HIS cows, but I aint' givin' him any of mine."

Second Bull: "That pretty much says it for me, too. I've been here 3 years and have earned my right to the 50 cows that are presently mine. I'll fight 'em till I run him off or kill 'em, but I AM KEEPIN' ALL MY COWS."

Third Bull: "I've only been here a year, and so far you guys have only let me have 10 cows. I may not be as big as you fellows yet but I'm young and virile, so I simply MUST keep all my cows."

They had no sooner finished their big talk when an eighteen-wheeler pulls up in the middle of the pasture with only one animal in it: the biggest Son-of-Another-Bull these guys had ever seen! At 5,000 pounds, each step he took toward the ground strained the steel ramp to the breaking point.

First Bull: "You know, it's actually been some time since I really felt I was doing all my cows justice, anyway. I think I can spare a few for our new friend."

Second Bull: "I'll have plenty of cows to take care of if I just stay on the opposite end of the pasture from him. I'm certainly not looking for an argument."

They look over at their young friend, the 3rd bull, and find him pawing the dirt, shaking his horns, and snorting.

Second Bull: "Son, let me give you some advice real quick. Let him have some of your cows and live to tell about it." Third Bull: "Hell, he can have ALL MY COWS. I'm just making sure he knows I'M a bull!

A FAIRY TALE

Many years ago in a small Indian village, a farmer had the misfortune of owing a large sum of money to a village moneylender. The Moneylender, who was old, fat and ugly, fancied the farmer's beautiful daughter.

He said he would forego the farmer's debt if he could marry his Daug hter. Both the farmer and his daughter were horrified by the Proposal.

So the cunning moneylender suggested that they let Providence decide the matter. He told them that he would put a black Pebble and a white pebble into an empty moneybag. Then the girl would have to pick one pebble from the bag.

If she picked the black pebble, she would become his wife and her father's debt would be forgiven.

If she picked the white pebble she need not marry him and her father's debt would still be forgiven.

They were standing on a pebble-strewn path in the farmer's field. As they talked, the moneylender bent over to pick up two pebbles. As he picked them up, the sharp-eyed girl noticed that he had picked up two Black pebbles and put them into the bag.

Now, imagine that you were standing in the field. What would you have done if you were the girl? If you had to advise her, what would you have told her?

The girl should show that there were two black pebbles in the bag and expose the moneylender as a cheat.

The girl should pick a black pebble and sacrifice herself in order to save her father from his debt and imprisonment.

Take a moment to ponder over the story. The above story is used with the hope that it will make us appreciate the difference between lateral and logical thinking.

The girl's dilemma cannot be solved with traditional logical thinking. Think of the consequences if she chooses the above logical answers.

The girl put her hand into the moneybag and drew out a pebble. Without looking at it, she fumbled and let it fall onto the pebble-strewn path where it immediately became lost among all the other pebbles.

"Oh, how clumsy of me," she said. "But never mind, if you look into the Bag for the one that is left, you will be able to tell which pebble I Picked."

Since the remaining pebble is black, it must be assumed that she had picked the white one. And since the moneylender dared not admit his Dishonesty, the girl changed what seemed an impossible situation into An extremely advantageous one.

Most complex problems do have a solution. It is only that we don't attempt to think.

Parking Loan

Before going to Europe on business, a man drove his Rolls-Royce to a downtown New York City bank and went in to ask for an immediate loan of $5,000.

The loan officer, taken aback, requested collateral and so the man said, "Well then, here are the keys to my Rolls-Royce."

The loan officer promptly had the car driven into the bank's underground parking for safe keeping, and gave him $5,000.

Two weeks later, the man walked through the bank's doors, and asked to settle up his loan and get his car back. "That will be $5,000 in principal, and $15.40 in interest", the loan officer said. The man wrote out a check and started to walk away.

"Wait sir", the loan officer said, "while you were gone, I found out you are a millionaire. Why in the world would you need to borrow $5,000?"

The man smiled. "Where else could I park my Rolls-Royce in Manhattan for two weeks and pay only $15.40?

Q: When is a one-story house a two-story house?

Q: Why was the 10,000 sq. ft. mansion

listed for only $1000? It had a swimming pool, guest house and no discernible structural problems.

A: The seller was getting divorced and all her husband asked for was the proceeds from the sale.

Satisfactory Title

A New Orleans lawyer sought an FHA loan for a client. He was told the loan would be granted if he could prove satisfactory title to a parcel of property being offered as collateral. The title to the property dated back to 1803, which took the lawyer three months to track down.

After sending the information to the FHA, he received the following reply (actual letter): "Upon review of your letter adjoining your client's loan application, we note that the request is supported by an Abstract of Title. While we compliment the able manner in which you have prepared and presented the application, we must point out that you have only cleared title to the proposed collateral back to 1803. Before final approval can be accorded, it will be necessary to clear the title back to its origin."

"Your letter regarding title in Case No. 189156 has been received. I note that you wish to have title extended further than the 194 years covered by the present application. I was unaware that any educated person in this country, particularly those working in the property area, would not know that Louisiana was purchased by the U.S. from France in 1803, the year of origin identified in our application.

"For the edification of uninformed FHA bureaucrats, the title to the land prior to U. S. ownership was obtained from France, which had acquired it by Right of Conquest from Spain. The land came into possession of Spain by Right of Discovery made in the year 1492 by a sea captain named Christopher Columbus, who had been granted the privilege of seeking a new route to India by the then reigning monarch, Isabella. The good queen, being a pious woman and careful about titles, almost as much as the FHA, took the precaution of securing the blessing of the Pope before she sold her jewels to fund Columbus' expedition.

"Now the Pope, as I'm sure you know, is the emissary of Jesus Christ, the Son of God. And God, it is commonly accepted, created this world. Therefore, I believe it is safe to presume that He also made that part of the world called Louisiana. He, therefore, would be the owner of origin. I hope ... you find His original claim to be satisfactory.

Eager To Impress The Boss

A young executive was leaving the office late one evening when he found the CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand.

“Listen,” said the CEO, “this is a very sensitive and important document here, and my secretary has gone for the night. Can you make this thing work?”

“Certainly,” said the young executive. He turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button.

“Excellent, excellent!” said the CEO as his paper disappeared inside the machine.

The Best Boss in the World

“Boss,” he says, “we’re doing some heavy house-cleaning at home tomorrow, and my wife needs me to help with the attic and the garage, moving and hauling stuff.”

“We’re short-handed, Smith,” the boss replies. “I can’t give you the day off.”

Bull vs. Audience

Check My Balance

I went into my bank the other day and asked the cashier to check my balance. She pushed me over!

Blond Joke

There are two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull from the stockyard in a far town so that they can breed their own stock. They only have $600 left.

Upon leaving, the brunette tells her sister, "When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home."

The brunette arrives at the stockyard, inspects the bull, and decides she wants to buy it. The man tells her that he will sell it for $599, no less.

After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news. She walks into the telegraph office, and says, "I want to send a telegram to my Sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive Out here so we can haul it home."

The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, "It's just 99 cents a word." Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette only has $1 left. She realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word. After a few minutes of thinking, she nods and says, "I want you to Send her the word "comfortable."

The operator shakes his head. "How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her just the word "comfortable?"

The brunette explains, "My sister's blonde. The word's big. She'll read it very slowly ... com-for-da-bul.

NO BULL!

Larry, the lawyer, was representing the railroad in a lawsuit filed by old Bubba the rancher. Bubba's prize bull was missing from the section of the ranch that the railroad passed through. Bubba only wanted to be paid the fair value of the bull.

The case was scheduled to be tried before the justice of the peace in the back room of the general store.

Larry immediately cornered Bubba and tried to get him to settle out of court. Larry did his best selling job, and finally the rancher agreed to take half of what he was asking.

After Bubba signed the release and had taken the check, Larry couldn't resist gloating a little over his success, telling Bubba, "You know, I hate to tell you this, old man, but I put one over on you in there. I couldn't have won the case. The engineer was asleep and the fireman was in the caboose when the train went through your ranch that morning. I didn't have one witness to put on the stand. I bluffed you!"

Old Bubba just smiled, "Well, I'll tell you, young feller, I was a little worried about winning that case myself, because that durned bull came home this morning."

Give the Frog a Loan.

A frog goes into the bank and asks the teller for a loan. The teller tells the frog to see Mr. Paddywack, the loan officer.

Mr. Paddywack looks at the frog and says, "What do you have for collateral?"

The frog pulls out of his pocket a solid silver elephant.

Mr. Paddywack looks at the elephant and says, "I don't know. I'm going to have to ask Mr. Larson, the bank manager to approve this."

He goes into Mr. Larson's office and comes back.

Two minutes later, Mr. Larson comes out with the elephant and says, "It's a knick-knack Paddywack, give the frog a loan!"

Spreadsheet of Your Life

New Years Resolution

Selling Bananas